The Broken Heart

Hi everyone!  I have been busy trying to live life and forget about cancer.  It's a new year.  Thank you, Lord.  I am still trying to get to San Antonio for the start of my reconstruction.  New year means more money out of our pockets for my medical expenses.  So much fun!  Thankfully, I can honestly say that this time we got our money's worth out of our insurance last year....not many people can say that. (I am looking at the bright side here, OK?)


During this blog, I have mentioned a few women that I have met that also were battling triple negative breast cancer.  One local woman, a single mom with three kids, Kim.  I met her in chemo.  Her nice fiance would sit through her chemo and Kevin would sit with me.  I remember watching them both playing games on their IPhones while we were being infused with poisons and cancer drugs.  Kim showed me how she tied the scarves on her head that she always wore.  She was beautiful and always so positive. She was about 4 weeks ahead of me in treatments.  My last week of radiation I saw her in the waiting room as I was coming out.  She looked amazing and had grown a full head of curly hair.  She had stopped in to deliver some Scentsy candles to someone who had placed an order with her.  She had already finished all her treatments.  In the next few weeks, her facebook posting announced that her cancer was back and she was going to look for a clinical trial to get in if possible.  If not, everything else is experimental at this point.  Well, Kim married her fiance in mid January and I found out yesterday that she passed away last Friday.  She was just here.  I think I cried most of the day at this news.  My heart is breaking for her family.


Then came more horrible news...My friend Heather, triple negative in Van Wert, Ohio has been battling for her life since the same time that I was diagnosed.  We are the same age and she has two boys and a wonderful husband, 44 year old, Doug.  Heather has been receiving treatments at Cancer Treatment Centers of America.  She has been fighting with everything she has in her.  During their most recent visit to Zion, Illinois (please excuse me my details are sketchy at this point)...Doug apparently had a heart attack and passed away.  That is what Heather told me that they thought was the cause of his death.  Why????  Please someone help me to understand this....better yet speak to Heather when you leave your comments.  I am at a loss for words why one person should have to bear all this.  I know that God always knows the bigger picture that we can't see....still I am speechless.  There is this empty hole in my gut.  I can't even imagine the pain and sorrow that tortures Heather right now as she fights for her own life.  It literally hurts my mind to even try to wrap my head around this.  It hurts.  Please read my earlier blog posts to find out more about Heather....like "a spec on a pig's butt" I think on May 19th 2010.


Please leave some comments of encouragement, prayers, or words of wisdom....anything....but talk to Heather in my comment section because I know she will eventually read this.  Help me, and help her.  Pray for Kim's family, especially her children and new husband.  Also, pray for Heather...until next time....:-(

Ringing In The New Year

I just got home from work.  It's New Year's Eve and I am kicked back trying to relax.  I thought I would give an update to my blog.  I am happy to say that I am adjusting to the "new normal" of life after cancer treatments.  I have a head full of curly hair.  I have continued bone pain that I am managing with pain meds, as little as I can possibly take to do the trick. The depression has subsided for the most part.  However, I have horrible insomnia.  It is to the point where I start feeling very anxious at bedtime, especially on Thursday and Friday nights when I have to work the next day.  I looked at the clock this morning at 4:56 and I had not slept a wink.  I have racing thoughts that circulate through my head as fast as lightning.  I have tried all kinds of things that might knock me out, but to no avail I am tossing and turning with an IMAX pictured show going on in my head. 


A lot has happened for me in 2010.  It has been over a year since I felt "the lump".  I remember thinking..."I know what this is, and its not good," but I just did not have time to hear someone tell me I had cancer.  I knew my life had to change.  I knew I had to change my lifestyle and my stress level and make some time for me.  With the sale of my business...the business that owned me, I finally had time to go in and get it checked out by a doctor.  I was told by the radiologist to come back in six months...actually I was told by the sonnogram  girl because the radiologist was too busy reading his newspaper to come and tell me himself after he spent 33 seconds looking at my films.  In my gut, I knew this was wrong.  After getting a biopsy by another doctor two weeks later, I was told the following day I had cancer.  She called me from her cell phone on a Friday night.  That Monday, I found out that my cancer was extremely aggressive, fast growing and there were five tumors totaling about 10 cm.  It was a rare form of breast cancer, triple negative.  So two weeks later at the age of 42, I had both breast removed and started chemo immediately after the drains were removed.  Radiation followed.  So here I am.  The new year is upon me.  What will it bring?  Hopefully, it will bring my reconstruction surgeries soon.  I am ready to get them over with and try to find a way to forget about having cancer.  I have a new outlook on life and the things that really matter.  I have friends and I have family, and most of all my faith.  

I will keep my blog updated from time to time, but it won't be as often.  I would like to not think about this disease.  I hope I never see it again.  I have done what I can to help spread awareness about triple negative breast cancer.  If you are just now reading this blog, I encourage you to go back and read from the beginning.  I welcome any questions or comments and I hope that I have enlightened others about this horrible disease.  Life must go on...at least that is what I am hoping for during my upcoming new year.  I don't know why this happened to me.  I do know that God works everything, even the bad...he works it out for the greater good.  I give so much thanks to my husband, my girls, my family and my co-workers and friends.  I am glad I have not had to go this alone.  I continue to pray for the friends that I have made that have been stricken by this disease.  I can only have hope that a cure will come soon.  May God bless you and your family this year!  Until next time my friends...

Picking Up the Pieces

 I am a month out from finishing treatment for stage IIB, grade 3/ triple negative breast cancer. I have battled more depression and anxiety since the treatment than any I experienced during. I think of it like the marathon runner who finally crosses the finish line. Many times they collapse on the ground once they finish. During treatment you are battling for your life. The shock of the diagnosis can be surreal and you have to be strong during the battle. When its over, you have more time to think about it and the side effects of treatment are magnified when you are supposed to be "done battling". Everyday I feel good at some point, but everyday I feel bad too. It is a small window of good. My faith has always been strong and I know there is a reason for everything. The fear that this disease will return is very strong and overwhelming, even though I know I should not fear. Knowing that I am 43 and have so much life to live, makes me want to live life to the fullest everyday. However, how do you do that when your body is your prisoner? I pray for strength and I want so much to not be physically limited. My job is physically demanding and I have been self employed for 13 years.  From where I stand now, it is hard to imagine carrying the load that I had before I got sick.  I thank God that I have Kevin.  He has been so great during this time.  He has done so much of picking up the extra slack since I have been sick.  As all couples do, we have our ups and downs.  However, relationships are not about the day to day short runs. A marriage is not a sprint, it is  a marathon. I am just glad to know I have my family and all the support they bring, and I am so grateful for Kevin.


I have not updated this blog in a while.  I have been trying to not think about cancer.  I have been enjoying the time with the kids and trying to get back in the swing of working. Christmas is right around the corner, and for the first time I am not too far behind everything.  The girls and I put up a pink tree with survivors names on it...about 60 total. They really enjoyed doing it.  My hair is coming in so curly. If I dyed it black I would look like Betty Boop.  Well, probably not that good...actually, not even close!

Today I worked from about 8 a.m. to about 4:30...a very long day for me.  It was a pretty good one.  I have enjoyed my clients and how supportive they are of me.  They are very encouraging.  They have been very good to me.  I am so thankful for the loyalty that I have seen with a lot of them.  Many have reassured me that they will be here for me when I get through my surgeries.  It is a good feeling.  Even though I have lost many, God is faithful in his promises.  He has taken care of everything we have needed and then some.  (Debra S...thank you for your encouragement and your kindness.  You are awesome!)  I have clients that are praying for me and tell me all the time.  I called one of my clients and left a message with her husband yesterday.  Afterwards, he began to tell me how they were both praying for me.  I have never met him.  Tonight, I returned a call to one of my long time male clients (about 18 years). After setting up his appointment, he prayed with me over the phone and reassured me that God would provide a way for me to be off work and get my reconstruction soon.  It is times like these when I think..."why am I afraid at times?"  So many people have faith for me...what am I worried about?  Oh well, this journey is not easy.  My emotions are on a wild roller coaster ride.  As my good friend Patsy says, "this too shall pass!".  I feel as if I have rambled through this post...probably because I have.  Hey, it is called "chemo-brain".  It is the inability to focus, remember things, and stay on track.  Today I went to work with one black shoe on one foot, and one brown shoe on the other.  Last Saturday I had some friends stop by the house.  After they left, I realized I had a beige tennis shoe on one foot and a green on the other.  So this is my life.  I have had a few brain cells killed.  I was on the phone with Vicky yesterday at the end of my work day.  I walked around ten minutes looking for my cell phone while I was talking to her (on my cell phone!)  It is pretty scary.  Well, Kevin is on his way home so I am going to end this now.  Until next time my friends...

My Beautiful Landri

Click here to view this photo book larger

Having gone through cancer treatments this year for triple negative breast cancer makes me see life differently.  

I know how precious my family is...especially my two beautiful amazing daughters.  

This is Landri, my athlete, my first born.  She is one of the people I am most proud to know in this world. I love her and I will miss her when she goes off to college this next year.  She has done so much for me this year.  I wish I could hold her forever and never let her go.  I love you angel!

Moving On, The Pain and The Tears

It has been a while since I have posted.  I finished my last radiation on the 8th of November.  I am slowly getting some energy back although I hesitate to say that.  I am getting the desire to do things and go places.  I have been to the mall several times trying to do some advanced Christmas shopping on a tight budget.  But I am mainly wanting to just get out and walk around.  I have never been able to do any Christmas shopping until literally the week of Christmas due to owning my own business for the past several years...the season was just too busy to get anything done but work and "make hay while the sun was shining".  Now I am trying to do a little at a time, and get it done early...this will be a first for me.  Usually my kids are asking me the week before Christmas..."Mom, are we going to have any presents under the tree anytime soon?"  


What I am finding out about my health situation is I am dealing with pain on a regular basis, everyday.  I get out and go and shortly have to take pain meds to get through anything I am doing.  My bones hurt still as a side effect from the Taxol.  This pain in staying with me and it is very consistent.  It has been four months since that drug was infused into my body.  What I have noticed is that it has gotten much worse, not better.  Nothing can touch the kind of pain I experienced during those 8 weeks of getting the Taxol.  However, the residual pain is real.  It seemed to worsen during my radiation treatments and now has increased to a new level all together.  It is here everyday and now comes on at all hours of the day from early morning to late evening my bones hurt.  I could be sitting or standing doing nothing and I might have pain shooting through my fingers, my forearms, my shins, my feet, my knees, my wrists, all at the same time.  I have noticed that the colder weather is making it worse.  Before I ever was diagnosed with cancer, I dealt with swollen joints, a swollen left ankle, and weather related pain.  I thought that if I would have gone to a doctor about it, I would probably be told I had some form of arthritis. Since my treatments, I feel somewhat crippled unless I am on the pain medication.  As soon as it wears off, I am in pain again.   I don't know whether it will ever go away.  Sometimes I think things are fine and then BAM!!!...it hits me so suddenly and so strong that I have somewhat of a panic/anxiety attack and start to cry.  It sometimes catches me by surprise when I think I am doing OK.  I think sometimes the emotional pain is just as bad as the physical.  This has happened at work a couple of times and it is a cruel reminder that things may never be the same.  I will find myself mixing color about to service a client and I am crying like a baby in the back room.  This is when I feel like I have been robbed.  Robbed of my occupation, my income, my livelihood, and all I have worked hard to achieve the past 18 years of doing hair and building such a strong client base.  Right now I am going in on Fridays and Saturdays.  I work about six hours each day.  The pain from working is real and great.  It is physically very taxing.  I have less than 50% of my client base left.  Not working for about 7 months makes this happening inevitable.  My client base was made up of about 85% color clients, many who drove 45 min or more to see me.  They are professionals who always look top notch.  They have had to find stylists to replace me and prefer to try someone closer to home if they are going to make a change. After January, I will begin my reconstruction surgeries, 3 total.  By law, there is a 90-day waiting period between each one.  My hope is to have some good enough times between each surgery to service the clients I have left.  I know I will lose more, it is inevitable. I find it sad, but I know that my physical body will limit the amount I can do anyway.  I know it is probably for the best.  In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that I need to think about other occupations.  I just don't know how to do that when working so little right now hurts so bad.  I know that God is in control of this situation and he knows the plans he has for me.  I don't want to sound complaining or miserable, because I have so much to be thankful for everyday.  I do want people who are going through this to know what is happening to me, realizing that every case is different.


There is a dear girl who I met during chemo.  Her name is Kim. She often sat next to me and was always there with her fiancee.  She too, was being treated for triple negative breast cancer.  She was about a month ahead of me in her treatments.  I saw her at the cancer center a few weeks back.  Her hair had grown out about an inch and she looked great.  She was there delivering some Scentsy candles that some ladies had ordered.  We spoke, said hello, and parted.  A couple of weeks back on facebook I noticed that her profile picture was a picture of a Texas Christian University purple Scentsy.  Since I am an alumni, class of 1990, I asked her about the candle.  She had some bad news that her cancer was back and had spread.  She always has a great attitude and told me not to worry.  She was concerned about telling me and explained that just because hers was back, did not mean that I would not be OK.   She sweetly consoled me and told me I would be fine despite her new diagnosis.  Please pray for her.  She is staying busy managing apartments I believe.  She has the best attitude always!!!!

Speaking of attitudes....mine is one of hope and faith.  I am battling hormones, medication side effects, pain, and depression.  I have not exactly counted, but I am certain that I have cried everyday for at least a month.  Sometimes they are happy tears, and sometimes they are from fear, sometimes from pain, sometimes from sorrow, some are from disbelief that this is actually happening, some tears flow from the onset of the pain meds.  For many different reasons I cry everyday.  Some nights as I am laying in bed playing games on my iPhone, tears just start streaming....don't know why.  I just know that Kevin is asleep beside me and the kids are all tucked in bed...but I cry and have no apparent reason.  Sometimes its multiple times a day.  I don't what to do about it.  I am sure my family is perplexed and weary from it all.  I wish I could control it.  Overall, I think it is from having this huge life change/challenge.  You suddenly feel like your clock is ticking and you need to start living life hard.  Then you are faced with the reality that your body isn't the same...it is not ready.  It is older and frail and broken.  So how do you go on grabbing the life out of everyday, dragging your body behind you, aches and pains and all.  Sometimes its overbearing....then the tears flow.  Someone told me that it is OK to cry and it is good for the soul, and it is a natural response and should not be inhibited.  It is the source and the reason for the tears that we should work on improving in our lives.  I think that I can live with that.  It sounds much better than "I am just falling apart".  So I will go with that.  It's OK, it is the body's natural response.  I love you people, whoever you are who keep me going with all your feedback and comments.  Each and every one of them mean so much to me.  I feel like I have a team that is standing behind me, supporting me, uplifting and encouraging me.  Until next time my friends...

Burn Baby Burn!

I know I have not written in a long time.  I have been battling and fighting the fatigue that comes with radiation treatments.  I go four days a week, run an errand or two afterwards, then go home and fall into the deepest sleep you could ever imagine.  I am very burned...so much so, that the doctor gave me a week off due to the extent of my burns.  The fatigue is immediate.  It literally feels like you lay on the table, get radiation while your blood is being drained.  I find myself having close calls while driving myself home.  I can barely stay awake, and there is this sense of hotness that comes with it.  The smell of burnt flesh stays with you all the time...going in and out of you with every breath.  I really thought this would be a lot easier than it has been.  It is still not as bad as chemo, but it is not easy.  The fatigue is always there everyday.  My eyes feel so dry and crisp.  It is like everything inside your body is hard and leathery, dry as a bone.  I have debated on whether to post the picture of myself showing my burns at #15.  There is no breast to see, nothing of any sexual nature.  So I think that I will because people don't realize exactly what radiation will do to your body.  I know that people facing radiation want to know what lies ahead for them.  I will say that not everyone reacts the same way.  A client of mine told me she had 38 radiation treatments to the breast and had no problems and did not get burned.  She saw the pictures of my burns and said that she experienced nothing like that at all.  So I don't want my situation to scare anyone.  Actually the burned part of my chest really hurts very little.  You must remember I have very few nerve endings left in that area.  The burn is nothing in comparison to the fatigue that I am experiencing.  I only have about six treatments left, and I just keep thinking that every cancer cell is being fried and killed....every last one.  I have had a really tough couple of days fighting depression.  I think the fatigue causes me to be depressed.  I have so much to be thankful for everyday.  I will write again soon and post more pictures as the burn heals.  I hope this is not offensive to anyone.  That is not my intention.  I hope instead that it may help someone else, a caretaker, a survivor, or anyone else who has to deal with the side effects of radiation.  Leave me your comments.  Until next time my friends...

The Game, The Gift

I was thinking a lot today about how having cancer has changed my life....in a good way.  There are a lot of things as you go through this battle that really bite.  In the end, those that survive the battle have something special to take with them.  At least that is how I feel.  I am a survivor, whether I survive one more year or 50 more years.  There is a song that says (I will summarize)...if you knew tomorrow was your last day...how much different would you live it?  Surviving cancer gives you that perspective, and that is priceless.  I am reminded of the movie "The Game" starring Michael Douglas.  The following is a review of this movie:


 by Ásgeir Örn Nordquist  (Kópavogur, Iceland).
"Nicholas Van Orton, a successful businessman lives a good life until an unexpected birthday gift from his brother destroys it all. Nicholas has been enrolled in a game - "a profound life experience" that begins quietly but soon erupts in a rush of devastating events. Van Orton has to win this deadly game or lose control of everything in his life. And this time money and power are meaningless. This is a suspense/thriller, that does manage to hold one's attention. The film stars Michael Douglas and Sean Penn. Deborah Kara Unger (David Cronenberg's "Crash") turns in a fine supporting roll as well. Davd Fincher, director of Seven and Aliens 3, continues to set high standards for motion picture making. This lastest entree of Fincher's does not lose a beat in delivering the maximum impact of the story. This movie will get into your head. It will keep you guessing the whole time. If you don't give this movie a chance you'll never know what you missed."


Why do I think of this movie?  It is because Michael Douglas has been given a gift, but he has to fight for his life.  No money or power will help him.  In the end, he thinks he is dead, but he survives to find out it was all a game.  Why is it a gift?  Why does Michael Douglas' character end up thanking his brother for this "deadly" gift?  Because he will take with him a new value he holds on his life.  Something he would have never been able to see if he had not played "the game."  That is what surviving cancer has done for me.  Whether it is 1 more year or many more....I will no longer allow my days to  "suck the life out of me".  Instead, I will try to suck the life out of each day.  Little things that were a nuisance before, have become charming and special.  I realized this as I drove Presley up to the school for activity night.  I watched her walk away from the car, approaching a crowd of middle schoolers.  I thought to myself how special it was that I got to see this.  She is growing up fast.  Before, my thoughts might have been " I have to take you where now?".  It is easy to allow life to get the best of us.  But now I know the value of getting the best out of life...no matter how small best is.  It is a gift, this new perspective.  To truly have it, you must have your life snatched from you, as you hold on to the last little bit...scratching and fighting tooth and nail to take it back.  That is how you get the gift. 


 It has been said that having breast cancer is like being elected to a club that you never wanted to be a part of; it is truly a sisterhood.  You hate that you are in "the club", but you are glad that there are so many who share in this battle with you.  The club members are very nice, and they know what you are facing.  You get to meet new clubs members everywhere, and everyone you know, knows someone in the club.  They all have the gift, the gift of a new perspective.  They don't sweat the small stuff.  They have a "bucket list", a list of all the things they want to do before they "kick the bucket".  So as I bring this post to an end, think about what you would do differently.  How would you live your life if you knew you were to your final days?  It is my hope that everyone could live like this without going through a horrific battle with cancer.  So live each day to the fullest, the best you know how.  Take the gift, steal the gift, grab it and run.  Whatever you do, don't wait for it to come to you.  Until next time my friends...