Lazy Sunday

It is Sunday and I just woke up. It is noon. The house is quiet. My yorkie, Ricky, insists on being by my side on the bed at all times. The only problem is he is old and has a bad back. He can't jump up on the bed himself. So I have to lean over and try to reach his collar with one hand and scoop him up by his belly with the other. This is not an easy feat either. I am still wrapped in bandages which are holding gauze squares in against two areas of my incisions where my breasts used to be. The right side basically came apart at the seams and I ended up with a gaping hole in my chest about an inch or so wide and at least 3/4 of an inch deep. It seems to be coming together slightly in the last few days. The other side has what looks to be the starting of the same thing. It is a really tiny opening so we have been very careful about trying to keep me together. The doctors say it is fine and it will heal from within....from bottom to top. OK, so I just follow their directions.

Like I said it is Sunday and the house is quiet. My children are with their Dad, my first husband. They are going to a party for their cousin. It is her birthday and she will be 32. She is an orthodontist and mother of 3 boys all in cars seats and diapers. She just gave birth to twins when her first was 19 months. So Landri and Presley, my daughters, love to go over there and help. Everyone gets to hold a baby. Erin, the mother is very dear to my heart. She was twelve when I married her uncle, and I am very thankful we have been able to maintain our relationship. She is a sweetheart. Erin who has two nannys still needs as much help as she can get. Her oldest son Cale absolutely loves Presley. He lights up when she enters the room. So I am glad my children have somewhere to go when things get gloomy here at home. Erin always welcomes the extra help. It is good to know that my kids are having fun somewhere. I don't want them to have dark memories of this time. Yet I don't seem to have the energy to make them any fun exciting memories either.

Well, we did make a memory last Monday night. After the girls got home from school I suggested that we go to the mall and maybe pick out some hats for my soon to be bald head. I told them they could bring there money and do some shopping. The catch was that Landri would have to drive us and they would have to push me around in a wheelchair. They both agreed. They were arguing over who would get to push first. We got to the mall and got a complimentary wheelchair to check out and the journey began. Let me tell you this is the way to shop. Don't get me wrong I could have walked but it wouldn't have lasted long. Every step I can feel the pulling at my incision where it is coming apart. So it was a good idea for me to ride. We had lots of fun going up the ramps and through the isles like a maze. Landri enjoyed going down the ramps and pretending she was going to let go of me to see how fast I could go. She has always been about speed. We ate dinner at the food court while we waited for my hat to be ready. We had found it at a kiosk in the middle of the mall. It was a white beanie style with a small bill on it. We had them embroidery "I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY HAIR" across the front for all to see. The kids thought it was funny. I love my girls and I love these times when it is just us doing silly girl things.

So I have been up for an hour now and still no sign of Kevin, my hubby. Nor is there any sign of our 9 mos old german shepherd puppy, Charlie. She is a girl pup and is the true love of Kevin's life. She gets more of his time than any of us I can assure you! We have a dog park less than 3 minutes from our house. Everyday it seems they are there for hours at a time. I am sure it is a form of escape for Kevin. I know this has to be stressful for him to know that we have this long journey ahead of us and that so much responsibility rides on his shoulders now.

Overall, I am feeling pretty good today. I have a bad taste in my mouth and my mouth starts to salivate as if I were going to be sick. But it tends to go away as fast as it comes. There is something about knowing that your body is full of poisons that makes you feel toxic, like you need to be cleansed. I try not to think about it. I am going to take a shower now. It is never a pretty sight. So many scars. My surgeon did what is called anchor incisions. She cut me from the nipple down and all the way across from one flank under the arm almost to the back and across to the other side. There is nothing left just two concave craters....kind of like I've been hit by two meteorites from outer space. When I look down, there it is.....the stomach. In plain view for me to see. A reminder that there is a treadmill in the empty room of our house that needs to be used. Will I ever get the energy? Off to the shower now. Maybe Charlie and Kevin will be home soon.