Picking Up the Pieces

 I am a month out from finishing treatment for stage IIB, grade 3/ triple negative breast cancer. I have battled more depression and anxiety since the treatment than any I experienced during. I think of it like the marathon runner who finally crosses the finish line. Many times they collapse on the ground once they finish. During treatment you are battling for your life. The shock of the diagnosis can be surreal and you have to be strong during the battle. When its over, you have more time to think about it and the side effects of treatment are magnified when you are supposed to be "done battling". Everyday I feel good at some point, but everyday I feel bad too. It is a small window of good. My faith has always been strong and I know there is a reason for everything. The fear that this disease will return is very strong and overwhelming, even though I know I should not fear. Knowing that I am 43 and have so much life to live, makes me want to live life to the fullest everyday. However, how do you do that when your body is your prisoner? I pray for strength and I want so much to not be physically limited. My job is physically demanding and I have been self employed for 13 years.  From where I stand now, it is hard to imagine carrying the load that I had before I got sick.  I thank God that I have Kevin.  He has been so great during this time.  He has done so much of picking up the extra slack since I have been sick.  As all couples do, we have our ups and downs.  However, relationships are not about the day to day short runs. A marriage is not a sprint, it is  a marathon. I am just glad to know I have my family and all the support they bring, and I am so grateful for Kevin.


I have not updated this blog in a while.  I have been trying to not think about cancer.  I have been enjoying the time with the kids and trying to get back in the swing of working. Christmas is right around the corner, and for the first time I am not too far behind everything.  The girls and I put up a pink tree with survivors names on it...about 60 total. They really enjoyed doing it.  My hair is coming in so curly. If I dyed it black I would look like Betty Boop.  Well, probably not that good...actually, not even close!

Today I worked from about 8 a.m. to about 4:30...a very long day for me.  It was a pretty good one.  I have enjoyed my clients and how supportive they are of me.  They are very encouraging.  They have been very good to me.  I am so thankful for the loyalty that I have seen with a lot of them.  Many have reassured me that they will be here for me when I get through my surgeries.  It is a good feeling.  Even though I have lost many, God is faithful in his promises.  He has taken care of everything we have needed and then some.  (Debra S...thank you for your encouragement and your kindness.  You are awesome!)  I have clients that are praying for me and tell me all the time.  I called one of my clients and left a message with her husband yesterday.  Afterwards, he began to tell me how they were both praying for me.  I have never met him.  Tonight, I returned a call to one of my long time male clients (about 18 years). After setting up his appointment, he prayed with me over the phone and reassured me that God would provide a way for me to be off work and get my reconstruction soon.  It is times like these when I think..."why am I afraid at times?"  So many people have faith for me...what am I worried about?  Oh well, this journey is not easy.  My emotions are on a wild roller coaster ride.  As my good friend Patsy says, "this too shall pass!".  I feel as if I have rambled through this post...probably because I have.  Hey, it is called "chemo-brain".  It is the inability to focus, remember things, and stay on track.  Today I went to work with one black shoe on one foot, and one brown shoe on the other.  Last Saturday I had some friends stop by the house.  After they left, I realized I had a beige tennis shoe on one foot and a green on the other.  So this is my life.  I have had a few brain cells killed.  I was on the phone with Vicky yesterday at the end of my work day.  I walked around ten minutes looking for my cell phone while I was talking to her (on my cell phone!)  It is pretty scary.  Well, Kevin is on his way home so I am going to end this now.  Until next time my friends...