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Friday, July 2, 2010

Cancer, Meet Me In A Dark Alley...


Good news today!  I am feeling no pain.  I was a little worried because last night late I was hurting pretty bad.  The left side of my chest wall was even hurting.  I decided to go in to work and do a few clients that were already booked with Rene.  She has moved back to Kansas.  She was taking over a lot of my clientele for me while I have been gone.  So I worked today and I am going in tomorrow to do 3 clients.  One of them called while I was at the salon today and said she had not seen me in a year because she had a lot of health problems going on in her family.  Anyways, she asked if she could come in tomorrow (Saturday), and I told her she could. I just kind of snickered under my breath because I am sure she will be shocked when she sees me...bald, boobless, looking quite attractive.  She didn't know about my cancer diagnosis.  It will be interesting I am sure.  So I was a little worried last night when I was still having some significant pain.  I was wondering if I would make it in to work today.  When I woke up this morning, all was well and I felt good, and I did at work as well.  I will say that standing up for 4 hours after you have spent a lot of your days in bed was a challenge.  I was so hot from just the effort of standing.  I have always been known as "the hot flash queen" at work, so it is really no different....except I am bald!  When you have sweat running down your face and you are trying to work...it is time to take the hat off.  No hats...they just keep the heat in.  So I was truly bald and hatless for a while until I got cooled off.  We actually got a couple of walk-ins that I ended up greeting while my colors were processing.  I am sure they don't see bald hairdressers everyday.  I could tell by the look on their faces anyways that maybe they were second guessing their decision and wondering if they had walked into the right place.  I made sure they were taken care of, and I was able to put the hat back on after a short while.


So next week is my 7th chemo since I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.  I have 8 total and now it is time to start thinking about radiation.  This past Thursday we went for cancer counseling, blood work, and then to meet with the radiation doctor.  I still don't know what those doctors are called....not a radiologist....hmmm....I don't know.  So we met with her and she said my case was controversial ( oh how I love being controversial:)  That normally when they see negative nodes and there was a double mastectomy they may not radiate.  However, since I am relatively young and my tumors were not ONE but FIVE and two of them being 3 cm., and because I am triple negative with grade 3 (the worst) tumors...she feels like we should.  She left the room to consult with my surgeon who actually removed the tumors along with the breast.  She too agreed that I should be radiated to help prevent recurrence.  Even in the last six months, studies have shown that younger women benefit more from radiation...bettering their chances of survival and not having a recurrence.  Triple negative has higher recurrence rates than other types of breast cancer.  So I have come this far and gone against pretty much everything I believe in when it comes to accepting this modern day toxic chemical torture....so why not?  Just radiate me...and lets get it over with.  If I can put up with this chemo, radiation should be a breeze!  They were talking about doing 30 radiation treatments, but now 25 seems to be the number.  So here I go.  I am going to let them have their way with me...finish me off with a scoop of radiation and a cherry on top.  But here is the deal...I am doing this and "doing my part", but I know who is really in control.  If God wants me to be healed, I will be healed, radiation or not.  I have heard people say that it is not God's will for me to be sick.  I will be honest.  I am not quite sure how that works, but I do know that I have left this situation up to the Lord.  I know that he takes all things and works them for good.  I also know there are a lot of people who have died and completely trusted in the Lord. I don't think they died because of their lack of faith.  We all must die sometime...our bodies will give out eventually.  I don't want my time to be now or anytime soon.  However, I am not afraid.  Living is much more scary and tough.  However, it is a challenge that I want to face.  I want to go through the ups and downs of life.  I want to hold my grandkids and watch my husband grow old, fat, and bald (hehehe ....sweet justice).  I want to live to experience all that I can.  However, if my life was meant to be short for some reason...I just want to say that I have married the man of my dreams; I have the best daughters in the world, I love my career and I built my dream salon.  I have the best friends and co-workers I could ever ask for, the best in-laws and family....how could I ever feel short changed in life?  Ok so I am having a good day today, and I can think positive.  


Susan, one of my co-workers has a husband that has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  His name is Jerry.  Please pray for them.  My heart goes out to them for all that they must face.  To my singingwarrior blog follower....I hate this cancer too!  I hate it with a passion and I wish it would show its ugly face in person... the little demon.  I wish I could meet it in a dark alley and take a baseball bat to its head and beat the hell out of it too!  I am sorry about your friends who have been diagnosed.  As a friend or a loved one of a cancer patient...the feeling is one of helplessness I am sure.  Sometimes I think it is harder on the caretakers and loved ones that it is on the cancer patient.  But all is not lost singingwarrior, I know you are out there praying for me and many others.  That means the world to me.  It makes me want to "sing" and gives me strength to be a "warrior" knowing that I have prayer warriors out there fighting for me.  It just makes me want to fight harder, and trust me...I need that motivation every now and then (because this is getting old.)  So thank you, thank you for your prayers and your words of encouragement.  Like always, I love to read your comments.  I will post them as soon as I read them.  Until next time my friends...

7 comments:

AFWingMom said...

(((hugs))) and prayers always for you Penny! I smiled at the positivity that radiated (pun intended) from your post. I admire your ability to face things that are challenging you with the spirit that you do. Keep on keeping on Penny...,

Ellie K. Belfiglio said...

My sweet child, I love your positive attitude and your strong faith. And I love it that you are teaching it to my son. I miss you so very much. Hang it there my beautiful penny. Every thing is coming together. You are doing all the right things and then you leave yourself in God's hands; what a beautiful combination! we miss you and love you so very much.
From here to there

willow58 said...

You are one of the few women I know who could go around bald and look cute! You are absolutely a priceless gem, Penny!!

SingingWarrior said...

Saw Tyler tonite at home group and he told me i needed to come check your blog. I've still got to figure out how to get things set so I know when you do updates.
I'm gonna be sure and buy a metal bat so that it doesn't break. What time did you set up that alley meeting for? I'll be there!
I just realized that something sneaked in and disarmed me of one of my greatest weapons, singing. I'll make sure and try to get that rectified. Stinking little demon!
Oh and I wrote a poem which you can find on my FB. Tyler thought we should hook up so you probably got my request on your FB this evening.

Yolanda said...

Yeah, I'd like cancer to meet my little friend "Louie", that's Louisville Slugger! Wapow!!

I'm glad that you're able to get out and work a little, it's so good to have a sense of normalcy for a change.

Praying without ceasing!

Anonymous said...

a woman with strength and dignity - that is my Penny.

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