Search This Blog

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Pulling Out My Hair

It is a beautiful Wednesday morning and believe it or not, I actually feel pretty good. This is mostly due to the fact that I got some good rest and for the first time in head does not ache. But hold up for a minute. I want to talk about my blog. Those of you reading this must understand something. Yes, it is true I am writing this as an outlet for me. But most of all, I hope that at some point someone who is diagnosed with breast cancer, or triple negative breast cancer, will be scouring the internet trying to find some first hand truth about what it might be like for them. That is what I did. I found this girls blog and I read it. It was more informative than anything my doctor could have told me and gave me more insight to what was ahead for me than any "wikipedia" type site. But the harsh truth was..It wasn't always positive. She had bad days and good days. She was diagnosed at stage four. I read her blog and learned so much from her. I laughed and I cried, but I learned. I remember I could not turn the computer off that night. I read and read and read. It was about 3 a.m. when I read the last posting. It was by her husband who was apologizing for not posting sooner. He was letting everyone know that his beautiful 32 year old wife had passed away in their bed three months before. It was a harsh reality. It saddened me. But I thanked God that she shared her story and that I could benefit from her experiences by being more prepared for what was ahead. She especially helped me be prepared for the chemo treatments. I say all this because I too will not always be positive. I will have good days and bads days. But first and foremost I want to be truthful. I don't mean to sound down or depressed, but it isn't like I just won the lottery. It is not a walk in the park by any means. I am not here to humor anyone. Breast cancer is beaten everyday. I will beat this. I will have good days and I will have bad days, I will write about them....BOTH of them. Just because I am writing about the "bad" doesn't mean that I have given up or I am not thinking positive or that I am "depressed". It just means that I have cancer...and there are good days and bad days.

Ok, so I don't have a headache this morning. Why? Well, last night when Kevin got home he pulled my hair out, literally. Basically all my hair follicles were just sitting in my scalp. Every time I put on a scarf or hat it was like a million needles pushing into my head. I could grab on to any part of my head and just give the slightest of a tug and the hair was in my fingers. But it wasn't just falling off on its own. So I laid on the bed with a big huge beach towel under my neck and head and Presley and Kevin started pulling hair. It was effortless on their part. I can't tell you how good this felt. It sounds really weird, but it truly felt amazing. My headache began to ease immediately. I guess the fact that it gets the inevitable out of the way is another reason it felt good. All in all, I never thought pulling my hair out could feel so good, but it did. I am now not walking around with a pounding headache. I can lay down and rest without pain to my scalp. It was liberating. I will say that Kevin cried at first. I did too...only because he was. Pretty soon we were all laughing and making egg-head jokes. Frankly, I thought I looked like a quite larger version of "mini-me" when I first looked in the mirror. Then I reminded myself of some of the Star Trek shows...or one of those outer space TV phenomenons. Nevertheless, I am bald...and it feels good. It is good to be bald. It is much cooler and my head is not nearly as big. All my hats fit more comfortably. It makes my eyes really "pop". HAHAHA! How many times have I said that to clients after giving them a new color or cut....(snicker snicker :)

Oh, so I want you guys to look at the ads.  I wanted to tell you that I clicked on one of CAFE PRESS' ads and I ordered a couple of things. I got a pink T-shirt that says "CUTE BALD CHICK KICKING CANCER'S BUTT" on it with a cute little bald stick-figure-gal on the front. It also has the breast cancer pink ribbon logo on it. I also got a cute button that says "CHEMO ATE MY EYEBROWS". It all came just as ordered in a timely manner and was good quality. For some reason I still have my eyebrows so I guess I can't wear that yet. DARN IT! Anyways, thanks for reading. I am going to go and enjoy this "feel good" beautiful day while I can, and I am going to wear my T-shirt. :)


Benjie said...

Keep writing, Penny. And wear that t-shirt proudly. We'll cyber-walk through it with you.

elliebelfiglio said...

Write, write. and we follow you and love you with hair or without hair. I am glad that you don't have headache anymore. I am going to order that tshirt, too.
Love you for what you are, were, and will be. You have every right to feel what you feel at any given time. We read them. You're in my heart and my thoughts always.

brandley said...

It was sooo great to see you today!! It made my heart glad to see you smiling and I enjoyed being able to talk to you face to face instead of a text or chat box on Facebook. :) I was especially glad to see you feeling better since your last post of your "sick" week-end.
Always praying for you! Love ya , Tyler