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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Standing On The Word

I went to bed last night as usual trying to get some rest before the chemo session this morning.  However, that did not happen.  Instead my brain decided to channel surf, jumping from one thought and picture to another one.  Just when I thought I could stay on one and focus.....the channel would change again.  I am sure many of you know this feeling and agree that it is maddening. I watched the sun come up through the drapes of my window so I finally gave up and got my computer.  I did some paperwork and before I knew it, it was shower time.  I started fighting tears back the night before.  I fought them all night long, and into the morning.  The anxiety had finally overtook my body.  I IDID NOT WANT TO GO to chemo.  I did not want the poison in my body anymore.  So I cried tears and tried to keep them wiped, but they just kept coming.  I cried as Kevin drove us over to the office.  I cried at the reception desk.  I cried sitting in the waiting room.  I cried getting my blood drawn.  I cried when the girl took my blood pressure, (which she had to do three times to get one that would not give an error.)  I think every person that serviced me must have told Dr Krekow, my oncologist, that I was crying.  She came in and asked me if I wanted to postpone my chemo for a week.  I said "no way"  I just want to get this done.  The truth is I have had "panic attacks" in doctors offices (and restaurants/movies) for 10 years now.  In fact, I went to my first movie in five years with the girls in early February. I did not cry or have a panic attack before, during, or after.  However, we were the only ones in the theater.  I have had panic attacks even when I was going to the doctor for a prescription refill or something small.  I start to cry, and I can't seem to stop it.  I have passed out in doctors offices four times and two more times I would have but someone intervened in the situation.  So this is not uncommon for me to have some panic attack going to the doctor, especially when I have been anticipating the worst chemo session thus far.  Kevin began to drill the oncologist with a million questions.  Somehow in the process of this it came out that I have a 50% chance of advancing to stage 4 in the next two years.  Apparently, to summarize, she sad the chemo only works for half of triple negative patients with high grade aggressive tumors like mine.  This I am sure, is a statistic that Satan really wanted to hit me with, but no worries.  It is only Satan that is challenging me.  I guess I got him all bent out of shape in my last post.....he got his wittle bitty feelings now he is going to try to hurt mine, try to scare me.  Oooooooeeew.....baaaahaahaahaaa..........Boo!  I am soooo scared (sounding as sarcastic as my keyboard will let me!) Such a childish thing.  But you have got to give him credit for trying I guess.  Funny thing is, by this time in my session with Dr Krekow, my tears dried up.  She also said I could take more anit-anxiety meds which I promptly did. 

You see, just like Heather, my stage four triple negative friend in Ohio, I too. have people at my side to lift me up when I feel weak or begin to waiver.  My good friend and client of many years, Ann Harn gave me my pep talk and armored me with the word.  Ann and her husband Chuck are also ordained ministers and performed our wedding ceremony and our premarital couseling.   She gave me a scripture to read and meditate on...It is Psalm 91.  I have the bible on my IPHONE so I am taking it from the most easiest translation for me to understand, the Contemporary English Version:


1  Live under the protection of God Most High, and stay in the shadow of God All-Powerful.

2 Then you will say to the Lord "You are my fortress, my place of safety;  you are my God, and I trust you."

3  The Lord will keep you safe from secret traps and deadly diseases.

4  He will spread his wings over you and keep you secure.  His faithfulness is like a shield or a city wall.

5  You won't need to worry about dangers at night or arrows during the day.

6 And you won't fear diseases that strike in the dark or sudden disaster at noon.

7  You will not be harmed, though thousands fall all around you.

8  And with your own eyes you will see the punishment of the wicked.

9  The Lord Most High is your fortress  Run to him for safety.

10 and no terrible disasters will strike you or your home.

11  God will command his angels to protect you wherever you go.

12  They will carry you in their arms, and you won't hurt your feet on the stones.

13  You will overpower the strongest lions and the most deadly snakes.

14.  The Lord says, "if you love me and truly know who I am, I will rescue you and keep you safe.

15  When you are in trouble, call out to me.  i will answer and be there to protect and honor you.

16  You will live a long life and see my saving power"

Psalms 91

Wow!  Reading those word gives me comfort.
Then Ann said to me " are battling against principalities, power, rulers of darkness of this world, spiritual wickedness in high places, and they have all been defeated!!!  You must stand on the faith with the the Blood of Jesus and the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God, the Bible!!!  Don't be moved by what you hear, feel, or see.  Overload yourself with the only true reality which is the Bible."

Thanks to all followers.  I love to get your comments as usual.  Until next time my friends...


elliebelfiglio said...

Now I know. I had no idea. I noticed this morning how both of you were depressed. I noticed you were crying but I contribute it to your getting emotional in that place. Right now after reading your blog I, like you am writing to you through clouds of tears. Val keep asking me that what is wrong. I told him to leave me alone. I promise I write better comment for you tomorrow. Right now I don't think I feel good. I feel my BP has gone up a lot. Please get some sleep tonight. I talk to you tomorrow. I love you all.

SingingWarrior said...

the battle i face everyday is no comparison, but your writings are an inspiration for me to keep going. Praying for you! Tammy Looney, one of Tyler's clients

milissaaustinjenkins said...

I am praying for Mama Ellie and for you all!! Have a blessed weekend!!! Love you! Missi

The Wiskow's said...


Cancer I did not give you the right,
To invade my body and take a bite.
This is my body and with all my might,
I will prevail with one hell of a fight.
To the cancer inside, I will battle and kill.
For that is my body's God given will.
To my cancer, these words I do send.
Your life is short and near the end.

J Joens, 10/13/05

Anonymous said...

hey my sweetie friend! i know these last 3 days are hard! my heart is right there next to you. HE will illuminate your darkness!

vicky said...

hey the last comment was me Vicky

elliebelfiglio said...

Hello, my dear one. It was so good to hear your voice last night. since you last chemo that I saw you, I've been a nervous rack. Please forgive me and tell my son to forgive me because sometimes I give advices that later I know are stupid. I am just a worried mom that for the first time in my life don't have a solution to clam my children's anxiety, since you know it in your heart and I know it in my heart that you are also my child. You are the daughter I never had. I like you to think of me as mom with so much love for you and kevin and girls. Let's forget about in-law's business. Just say it, I'll be there. I ask God every minute of everyday to help you and your precious family my child. Please please stay strong as you always do. I know it is not easy. Believe me I know it both in my mind and heart.LOve you all so much.
From here to there is only a phone call away, my child.

heather lynne said...

Penny my dear beautiful ar such an inspiration to me~ Thank you for your words ~ Love you ~ Heather Lynne in Ohio