Monday, May 24, 2010
Toxic Sludge Phobia
Well, my body has been deep into the chemo slumber. I don't remember much of anything since my chemo session. Today is Saturday. My chemo was on Thursday. I woke up this afternoon to discover my husband had ripped out our kitchen sink and faucet with all the plumbing and there is a new one in its place. Hmmm? Don't remember that happening. The new sink is much deeper and better for all the vegetable scouring that he has been doing. So far, so good on the juicing. I still don't know how I did not hear any of the mini-remodel going on in our kitchen.
How do I feel after round four of chemo? It is hard for me to even write about it. It is more psycho-semantic than anything. I think about it....I get nauseous. I feel like all my membranes have been washed down with a toxic chemical similar to batter acid. I can literally feel the coating of the toxins on the back sides of my eyeballs. Enough of that....can't talk about it.
So it is Saturday night and my hubby is home with me. Last night Joyce and Ted brought over some more of her yummy spaghetti and some chocolate cake which was pretty darn good:) Then today Chuck and Ann brought over some kind of mushroom juice drink which is supposed to be really healthy. Later Vicky came over to kill some time before a family get together. I went to bed afterwards and went fast into a deep sleep. Not long after Kevin got home from work, Lauren, a stylist, and her little girl came over to see us. I was still asleep and don't remember any of it. I woke to the sound of the juicer and my hubby making my next concoction. Lauren and Boo (that is what we call her little girl) had already come and gone. I hate this chemo fog, but then again I am glad I can be somewhat unconscious through the bad parts. I said many times that it would be nice if someone could put me in a coma and wake me up when it is over. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen.
It is now Sunday afternoon. I have once again woke up from hours of sleeping. I am alone in the house. It is just me and Ricky, my Yorkie. Kevin took Charlie to the Dog park a while back and I have not seen them since. I lay here fighting back tears. Guess I am just feeling a little low. I hate the tears I cry, because they feel toxic....like I can feel the poisons from the chemo in them. They have a hot burning sensation to them. I fall back asleep.
It is now Monday night. It has taken me three attempts to finish this blog post. I can't focus. I feel toxic. I know you should "never say never", BUT if I ever have to take the Red Devil and Cytoxan again.....NEVER! I can't do it. God would really have to make it plain to me that he wanted me to and it was really a big part of his plan....otherwise there isn't anything in this world that would get me to take another round of that toxic sludge. I am sorry. I feel badly that someone reading this that might be facing it is being terrified by my words. Don't get me wrong, it is do-able. I just have this mental thing with it now. I am very claustrophobic and I like to have control when something is near me or on me. This fourth round of chemo has triggered some kind of phobia with me similar to claustrophobia. The chemicals are everywhere on me, inside of me, I can taste them, I cry tears filled with chemicals, my nasal passages burn with its residue, my eyes are glassy and foggy with its film. There is no escaping it. It is everywhere inside and out and I can't stand it.
Since my surgery, I have only been able to take showers, no baths. Mainly because of my incision on my right side that came open. It is 99% closed up now. Last night I couldn't take it any more. The toxicity that I was feeling demanded that I submerge in the hottest water I could stand. The skin is the largest organ of the body, and its ability to excrete toxins out of the body is second to none. So I did. I took a hot bath in our huge jetted tub. I think I will do it again tonight. It seemed to help a little. I wish I had a hot tub about now....or a steam sauna. Well friends, this too shall pass. Thanks for all your prayers. Sorry it has taken me so long to post this update. Until next time my friends...