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Monday, May 24, 2010

Toxic Sludge Phobia

Well, my body has been deep into the chemo slumber.  I don't remember much of anything since my chemo session.  Today is Saturday.  My chemo was on Thursday.  I woke up this afternoon to discover my husband had ripped out our kitchen sink and faucet with all the plumbing and there is a new one in its place.  Hmmm?  Don't remember that happening.  The new sink is much deeper and better for all the vegetable scouring that he has been doing.  So far, so good on the juicing.  I still don't know how I did not hear any of the mini-remodel going on in our kitchen.  

How do I feel after round four of chemo?  It is hard for me to even write about it.  It is more psycho-semantic than anything.  I think about it....I get nauseous.  I feel like all my membranes have been washed down with a toxic chemical similar to batter acid.  I can literally feel the coating of the toxins on the back sides of my eyeballs.  Enough of that....can't talk about it.

So it is Saturday night and my hubby is home with me.  Last night Joyce and Ted brought over some more of her yummy spaghetti and some chocolate cake which was pretty darn good:)    Then today Chuck and Ann brought over some kind of mushroom juice drink which is supposed to be really healthy.  Later Vicky came over to kill some time before a family get together.  I went to bed afterwards and went fast into a deep sleep.  Not long after Kevin got home from work, Lauren, a stylist, and her little girl came over to see us.  I was still asleep and don't remember any of it.  I woke to the sound of the juicer and my hubby making my next concoction. Lauren and Boo (that is what we call her little girl) had already come and gone.  I hate this chemo fog, but then again I am glad I can be somewhat unconscious through the bad parts.  I said many times that it would be nice if someone could put me in a coma and wake me up when it is over. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen.  

It is now Sunday afternoon.  I have once again woke up from hours of sleeping.  I am alone in the house.  It is just me and Ricky, my Yorkie.  Kevin took Charlie to the Dog park a while back and I have not seen them since.  I lay here fighting back tears.  Guess I am just feeling a little low.  I hate the tears I cry, because they feel I can feel the poisons from the chemo in them.  They have a hot burning sensation to them.   I fall back asleep.

It is now Monday night.  It has taken me three attempts to finish this blog post.  I can't focus.  I feel toxic.  I know you should "never say never", BUT if I ever have to take the Red Devil and Cytoxan again.....NEVER!  I can't do it.  God would really have to make it plain to me that he wanted  me to and it was really a big part of his plan....otherwise there isn't anything in this world that would get me to take another round of that toxic sludge.  I am sorry.  I feel badly that someone reading this that might be facing it is being terrified by my words.  Don't get me wrong, it is do-able.  I just have this mental thing with it now.  I am very claustrophobic and I like to have control when something is near me or on me.  This fourth round of chemo has triggered some kind of phobia with me similar to claustrophobia.  The chemicals are everywhere on me, inside of me, I can taste them, I cry tears filled with chemicals, my nasal passages burn with its residue, my eyes are glassy and foggy with its film.  There is no escaping it.  It is everywhere inside and out and I can't stand it.

Since my surgery, I have only been able to take showers, no baths.  Mainly because of my incision on my right side that came open.  It is 99% closed up now.  Last night I couldn't take it any more.  The toxicity that I was feeling demanded that I submerge in the hottest water I could stand.  The skin is the largest organ of the body, and its ability to excrete toxins out of the body is second to none.   So I did.  I took a hot bath in our huge jetted tub.  I think I will do it again tonight.  It seemed to help a little.  I wish I had a hot tub about now....or a steam sauna.  Well friends, this too shall pass.  Thanks for all your prayers.  Sorry it has taken me so long to post this update.   Until next time my friends...


Anonymous said...

Hi Penny, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Wish there was something I could do for you. I know what you mean when you say that you can feel the chemicals and how you feel every bit of those poisons throughout your body. My brother-in-law felt the same way and reacted the EXACT you are. It's okay to express that and FEEL that way. Being so far away, I can only keep you in my thoughts, prayers and send you thoughts of love and hugs while you battle this monster invading your body. Know that it's okay to cry and get those emotions out instead of keeping them in. Crying helps the soul heal. If you sleep through the after affects of your chemo treatments, it's the best thing for you. You hang in there! Much, much love and strength your way sweet lady! Cynthia

Shelley said...

I'm so sorry that u r havn 2 fight the horrible, nasty "C" word. My Mom passed away 6 yrs ago of Colon Cancer & we just found out on sun that our friend 36 yr old mom of 3, 1 is disabled was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer & was given 2 yrs 2 live. I HATE CANCER!!!!!!!! Penny u, ur family & ur friend Heather remain n my daily prayers. Sendn all my love ur way. God bless u!!!!

milissaaustinjenkins said...

Don't think of it as toxic sludge, think of it as healing honey flowing in to kick that cancers butt!! I mean technically I know it's posion I pop chemo pills everyday, but it if put my Cron's in remission then I do what I have to and it does make me want to barf but I guess I am used to it!

I am sorry Penny you are having to go through this, but I just remember when my Grandmother was having it she said when she had to sit there all of those hours she just imagined that the chemo was flowing in to heal her. I asked her once what she did to kill time and she said, well if I am not reading I start with the letter A and pray for everyone I can think of that name starts with A, then I move on to B and on throught the alphabet. I have used that when I had to have test I would rather someone else had and it works, it's very calming to pray for someone else when you are freaked out!!! Love you Penny, you are awesome!!! Missi

Kim said...

Thinking of you...Here is Maddox's joke to cheer you up.

Why don't chicken's wear pants?

Because they have Pecker's on there face.

Love you!

elliebelfiglio said...

I am so sorry that you felt so bad these past few days. Think of it as the grand finale of the bad ones and the grand start of the new and easy ones. You're almost half way through my child. So many people have gone through chemo; but at the end of it their hair grows back and their cancer goes away and the poison of the chemo leaves their body. If you can possibly think this way, may be you can help yourself to tolerate this impossible thing that right now is toxid. Both Val and I love you.
From here to there

willow58 said...

Your blogs are griping and real, Penny. You have so much courage. Our thoughts and prayers are with you always. There is no distance in the Spirit!